Assalamualaikum & gud evening to ya'll.. How r yaa? Am not fine since last week.. Too many thing to worry bout, to think bout.. And at last I think tomorrow is da conclusion, urmm...
Last week as u all know, I got my new uniforms & I was eager to wear it but when it came to da day dat I've to wear it.. My mood when down.. I try relax & not think bout it but.. It clouded my mind & I make another mistake.. And again I would have to write again & filled this & dat.. Mmmm.. And I began to wonder.. Is diz job betul2 my DESTINY?? Well, to tell ya da truth.. Am LOST...
To begin with, 4 years ago when am 19 years old.. After I finished 1 whole year in GIATMARA, I already submitted my forms before going there to enter any universities, colleges for diploma in Physiotherapy but I didn't get any responses.. So my mum juz filled in sum forms & sent it.. 1 of dat form was for diploma in Nursing in 1 of da college in KL.. Apparently, I dun mind.. My main GOAL is to get the hell outta my house, dats all.. Urmm, I know.. It's wrong but it was along time ago...
In Dec 2006, 1 of dat college accepted me in & I began my life as a trainee nurse.. I lived in da city for 3 whole years & dat was my first FREEDOM dat I've been longing for.. I was excited & happy.. I never felt dat living in da city would be so much fun & da transformation took place.. My way of clothing & socialize are different.. I've become ME, da real me.. And I never think dat I would go back to da way I am before I came here.. Everything was so PERFECT!! And am so HAPPY!!
My main GOAL are cleared.. Am OUT of dat house for 3 years & more (Diz is wat I think b4.. Gonna lived here after I graduated).. Am so freakin' happy.. Da course actually dun impressed me at first but when time passes.. I actually fall in LOVE wif da subjects.. Not many people LIKE diz job.. Its a NOBLE job as I recalled it.. I was so eager to learned new thing & to practice it in ward when am in practical area..
After nearly 3 years have passed & LJM cumin' near.. I study like I always study (not to hard) & I passed.. And I was thinkin' to work & live there but.. Nasib xmenyebelahi Roy.. I have to come back to my parents & I stayed there until I got a job.. It has been a hell (6 month) livin' there.. Very hard to get out even for window shopping.. My mud when down again...
After sending so many resumes to many hospital,1 familiar hospital accepted me in & am very happy reading dat letter.. Da first important letter dat I received.. I set "sailed" to da new place- eager to learn new thing, gain more knowledge & gain much experience for me to reach my hand to any other higher position.. I've been working there for nearly 1 year & I keep doing da same mistakes.. And as always, my mud would be so down...
I LOST myself, lost my passion for NURSING.. I cried in my heart thinkin' bout it.. I suddently think dat diz job is not for me, not fit for me at all but I loved my job.. I wanna learned more to gain more to provide much more care to my patients but.. I felt dat I failed it.. I dunno how I lost dat & every time I go to work am afraid.. Am scared dat I'll makin' another mistake.. I can effort it.. Eventho I kept saying to myself, "Akan aku bekerja dengan penuh dedikasi & zero med error" but da mistake will always rise up.. Am sick of myself!!
Most of da time, my seniors helped me if am stuck sumwhere but I can't accepted anythng if my seniors was teaching me rudely.. It never help!! Trust me.. I hate da way u teach me tau!! I dun wanna hate u guys so plz teach me until I understand wif kindness, okay?! There is only 1 women I can't stand sumtime.. Most of da time she would teach wif a high voice.. I dun tolerated wif dat at all!! Hate her a bit but I dun want my HATE passed down to her ...
Seriously, you make me felt dat am not a clever nurse tau.. Teach me laa to be more like u, to be more alert like, more knowledgeable like u but teach wif kindness laa.. Malu 1 hal, ni mud ni.. Cam na mud ni nak cari makan kalau u asyik kondem me je??! I know I have much to learn.. Betul, I know.. I dun like da way I run da ward tau, sure banyak kekurangan.. I xnafikan tu sume but I pon try my best ape.. Try my best to rememba bout my patients, all bout em' but.. Hurmm...
Entah laa.. Am so down rite now.. Tomorrow gonna meet wif Matron b'coz I made to many mistakes (I think...) And.. Mmmm.. Suddently I feel like wanna KILL myself lak.. Hurmmm...